JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

I just heard that the Post Office is issuing a new stamp. This stamp is commemorating prostitution in the United States. It's a 10 cent stamp, but if you lick it, it's a quarter.



*** Courtesy of Chevy Chase and writer Alan Zweibel

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Jesus and Moses are golfing.

Jesus says, “Watch this drive. It’s going to be great.” He hits the ball and it lands in the lake. Moses says, “I’ll get it.” He goes down to the lake, parts the water and retrieves the ball.

“Okay,” Jesus says, “This time, I have a good feeling about this.” He hits the ball and again, it lands in the lake. Once again, Moses goes down  and retrieves the ball.

“Third time is a charm,” Jesus says. “I'm going to hit this one so far Google won't be able to find it.” And for the third time he hits the ball into the lake. Moses says, “This time, you can get it yourself!”

As Jesus is down walking on the water looking for the ball, a crowd has formed. One guy says, “Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?”

“No,” Moses says. "He IS Jesus Christ. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly, a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”  The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?”  He answered, “It’s over here in the pussy willows.”

The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”

Funny guys.

When my daughter was about seven years old, I was outside working on my car.  She came outside and said, "Daddy, what does sex mean?".  It startled me so bad, that I figured it was time someone sat her down and gave her the gist of it.  

She sat there in silence with a look of shock on her face, eyes wide open as I explained, so I said, "Sweetheart, it's okay, it's the most natural thing in the world.  What made you ask me that, anyways?".  

She said, "Mom said to tell you that dinner would be ready in a couple of sex" lol

When my daughter was about seven years old, I was outside working on my car.  She came outside and said, "Daddy, what does sex mean?".  It startled me so bad, that I figured it was time someone sat her down and gave her the gist of it.  

She sat there in silence with a look of shock on her face, eyes wide open as I explained, so I said, "Sweetheart, it's okay, it's the most natural thing in the world.  What made you ask me that, anyways?".  

She said, "Mom said to tell you that dinner would be ready in a couple of sex" lol

You have to think a little outside of the box for that one.!!  Really happen, humorous anecdote 007..???  Or, just a joke..??  

I could see that happening.!!

When my daughter was about seven years old, I was outside working on my car.  She came outside and said, "Daddy, what does sex mean?".  It startled me so bad, that I figured it was time someone sat her down and gave her the gist of it.  

She sat there in silence with a look of shock on her face, eyes wide open as I explained, so I said, "Sweetheart, it's okay, it's the most natural thing in the world.  What made you ask me that, anyways?".  

She said, "Mom said to tell you that dinner would be ready in a couple of sex" lol

You have to think a little outside of the box for that one.!!  Really happen, humorous anecdote 007..???  Or, just a joke..??  

I could see that happening.!!

What??  Have I ever lied to you as far as you know? lol  

I told my lawyer I wanted to seek the death penalty against my wife.
He said that's not how a divorce works.

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I'm on Trial for Murder
The prosecutor says to me while I'm on the stand, "Did you kill that man?"    I said, "No." 
He said, "Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?"    I said, "Yeah, it's a lot less than the penalty for murder."

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The Sunday School teacher was just finishing a lesson on honesty. “Do you know where children go if they don’t put their money in the collection plate?” the teacher asked.

“Yes ma’am,” a boy blurted out. “They go to the movies.”

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A man and his eight year old son had to make a stop at a pharmacy while shopping. While walking down an aisle they passed the condom display. The boy asked his dad what they were. The father said that guys used them for protection when having sex. The boy nodded and said he learned about that in health class. He then picked up a 3-pack and asked his dad why there were three. Dad responded that those were for high school boys…one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. The boy then asked about the 6-pack on the next shelf. His father answered that college guys used those. Two each for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Moving on, the boy then noticed the economy 12-pack and asked his dad the same question. His father sighed, then acknowledged that the big box was for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…..

Johnny was in his 6th grade class when the teacher asked each student to stand up and tell a story to the class. The story was supposed to be a "life lesson" story that had a moral, so each story had to end with "The moral of the story is...".

When it was Johnny's turn, he stood up and told the following story.

"A horse and a chicken were living on a farm together and so became friends. One day they were out in the pasture running around when the horse stepped into a puddle and started to sink into the very muddy ground. The horse quickly told the chicken to run back to the farmer and tell him to hurry back with a rope to pull him out of the mud. The chicken takes off and runs back but couldn't find the farmer. So the chicken jumped into the farmer's BMW with a rope and raced back to the pasture, threw the rope to the horses, tied the other end to the farmer's BMW and pulled  the horse out of the mud."

"The next day the horse and the chicken were back out in the pasture running around. This time the chicken got stuck in a small patch of mud and was sinking. He hollered for his friend the horse and told him to run quickly back to get the farmer to bring the BMW to pull him out. But the horse, seeing no necessity, told the chicken not to worry. "It's a small patch of mud and I can straddle it easily. When I get close enough just stretch up and grab on to my pecker, and I'll walk you right out."  So the horse spread his legs wide and straddled the mud hole. When he was in position the chicken flapped around and managed to grab on to the horse's penis and the horse walked over the mud and carried the chicken safely to the other side."

Johnny, having finished his story sat back down. The teacher told Johnny that it was a pretty strange story, but he had forgotten one thing. The teacher then said, "So Johnny, what is the moral of your story?"

Johnny jumped back up and announced proudly, "The moral of the story is 'If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to attract chicks."

Ba dum, pss! (Drums). Gotta love it!