JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well,” the man said, “once I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. ‘Now leave her alone!’ I yelled.””

St. Peter was impressed: “When did this happen?”

“Just a couple of minutes ago.”

A nurse caregiver was on duty at a facility for patients who were suffering from mental decline. She walked into a room one morning  and discovered Charlie sitting upright on a chair with his hands at the 10 and 2 o'clock position and humming a little, sometimes softly, sometimes faster, sometimes slower.  She asks him,  "Hi Charlie, what are you doing?"  Charlie answers, "I am driving to Chicago".  The nurse nods slowly then says, "OK, be careful out there on the road."

Later that same day around dinner time, the nurse stops back by on her rounds. She finds Charlie standing up and stretching. She asks "How was your trip?" Charlie says, "It was a bit tiring, long drive you know. I just got here so I have to get to my hotel and check in. These business trips make for a long weekend."  The nurse agrees, wishes him well and leaves.

Outside his room, the nurse smiles to herself and goes across the hall and checks in on Bob. Bob is sitting on his bed masturbating.  The nurse, a bit shocked, said, "Bob !!,  What are you doing ??!!??"  Bob glances up but keeps going. He answers....  "I am doing Charlies wife while he is in Chicago.!!

Question:  What is blue and smells like red paint.??

Ans:  Blue paint..

A little old lady is stopped by an officer for speeding. As he approaches the car he notices she is tiny but seems to be observant.  He takes her license and documentation and notices that she has a concealed carry permit. The officer asks her politely if she has a firearm in the vehicle. She replies, "Well, actually, yes I do." The officer smiles to himself and asks, "Do you mind telling me what kind of firearm you carry.??" She responds and says, "I don't mind. I have a small 9MM in my purse, A .45 in the center console, and a .357 Magnum in the glove box." The officer, with a bit of humor, then asks, "Is THAT all.?? The little old lady says, "Well, since you asked, I also have a pistol-grip 12 gauge shotgun in the trunk."

The officer, now amazed at this 90 lb, 90 year old woman, looks her over and slowly reassesses her. He then asks quietly and calmly, "Ma'am, just what exactly are you scared of.???"

The little old lady glares back at him for a moment then answers, "NOT A DAMN THING."

A "mature" woman had departed on a cruise ship and was anxious to get some fresh air. She quickly dressed in a light airy sun dress, put on her new hat and went up to stand by the rail. The wind was gusting as the ship was moving right along, so she grabbed on to her beautiful hat with both hands. With her hands on her hat she felt a breeze flare her dress a little and became suddenly aware that she had forgotten her panties in her hurry to come to the ships deck. A few seconds later an English gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me madam, but the wind is blowing your dress up". She glanced at him and said, "Well, I'm using both hands to hold my hat. I guess it will be okay." The man then said, "But you are not wearing any panties.!!" The woman, confident in her self, glanced at the man, shyly dropped her eyes, and then replied, "Well, it will have to be okay. Anything you see down there is at least 50 years old. This hat, I just bought yesterday...!!!

Recently in a 6th grade class during the "health" period, the teacher, Mrs. Sanders, asked the class... " Which body part expands to 10 times its normal size when it is stimulated.??" The class is silent for a minute, then Mary, a smart bold girl, jumps to her feet and says... "You shouldn't be asking a 6th grade class that question, Mrs. Sanders. I'm going to tell my parents and you are going to be fired.!!" 

The teacher ignores her and once again asks the class..."Which body part expands to 10 times its normal size when it is stimulated.?" The class remains quiet and then Mary speaks up again, talking to her friends seated near her... "Boy, is she in trouble. We're going to get a new teacher." Once again the teacher ignores her. Finally, little Billy slowly stands up. "Thank you, Billy" said Mrs. Sanders. "What is your answer.??" Billy responds cautiously, "The body part that expands 10 times it's normal size when stimulated is ... the pupil of the eye."  Mrs. Sanders says, "Very good, Billy, that is the right answer."

Mrs. Sanders then turns to Mary and says ... "Mary, there are three things that I have to say to you. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you did NOT read your homework. And three... One day when you're just a little older, you will be very, VERY disappointed.!!"

Three women who had died earlier met at the Pearly Gates. There St Peter instructed them that there was ONE rule in Heaven that was strictly enforced. "You must be very careful to NEVER step on a duck". The women nodded their understanding and proceeded on their way. It was soon very apparent why there was such a rule. There were ducks everywhere.!! Big ducks, little ducks, colorful ducks, white ducks. Ducks, ducks, ducks. Everywhere there were ducks....

Well, try as they might, one woman stepped on a duck the first day. There was a flash and rolling thunder and St Peter appeared and chained the woman to the biggest, fattest man available for her transgression. She was to remain chained forever. On the second day a second woman, stepping carefully, was surprised when a small duck ran between her feet and was thoroughly squashed. Once again St Peter materialized and chained this woman to the hairiest, ugliest, most despicable man available, there to remain for all eternity.

Having seen what happened to the other two women, the third woman was VERY careful. Moving very slowly and watching where she put every foot down, she managed to avoid the ducks every day. About a week later St Peter appeared leading a beautiful, perfectly formed, tall and distinguished man and proceeded to chain them together. The woman was awe-struck. She said softly, "I wonder what I have accomplished, what I could possibly have done to deserve this wonderful man....forever.!!

The tall, beautiful man looked down at her and sighed. Then he said, "I don't know about you lady, but I ... stepped on a duck."

ouch

A man was sitting at home watching a football game (naturally..) when he was approached by his wife. She asked him nicely... "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway.? It's been flickering for weeks."  He glanced away from the game and said, "Fix the light...What do I look like, an electrician..??

She said... "OK, well then could you fix the refrigerator door? It won't stay shut."  He angrily replies, .."Fix the refrigerator door? What do you think I am, an appliance repairman.??"

The wife then says, "Fine, well then maybe you could fix the front porch steps. Someone is going to get hurt."  The husband responds nastily, "Fisx the porch steps.? Do I look like a carpenter to you??

The husband, now in a foul mood, gets up and storms out, leaving his wife behind as he drives around muttering to himself. After a couple of hours of cooling off, he starts to feel bad about the way he treated his wife so he decides to go home. As he goes back into the house he notices the steps have been repaired. He thinks, "Hmm, she did a pretty good job.". As he crosses the entry-way he noticed the light in the hall was back working. "Easy, he thought. Just changed the bulb, I bet.". He went into the kitchen to get a beer from the refrigerator and noticed the fridge door was now closing properly. He hollered to his wife, "Hey honey, how did all of this stuff get fixed.??"

He found her sitting calmly in the Den. She spoke up and said, "After you left I was so upset I went outside and sat on the porch, crying. I decided I would just attempt to fix the light myself. So, I did. It wasn't too hard. Then our neighbors stopped by. You know, Mike and Sharon.? They noticed I had been crying and asked what was wrong. I explained what happened and Sharon spoke up and said "Don't worry, I bet Mike could help you with that.?" She winked at me and then left, leaving Mike behind. Mike said he would fix the rest of the stuff and all I had to do was sleep with him, or.. bake him a cake."

Her husband nodded and said. "So what kind of a cake did you bake.??  She looked up, surprised, and said, "What.? Bake a cake..?? Do I look like a baker to you.??