JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

A young boy was outside helping his grandfather in the garden. After digging around for a minute he noticed a worm crawl out of a little tunnel. He called his grandfather over, pointed at the worm and said “I’m going to stuff him back into that hole he crawled out of.” The grandfather laughed and said, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t do it.!!” The little boy thought for a minute then said “I’ll be right back”. He ran into the house and returned a minute later with a can of hairspray. He stretched the worm out straight then quickly sprayed him down. After a short time he sprayed him a second time then let him dry. Then he picked up the now stiff worm and pushed him back into his hole. The grandfather, fascinated by his ingenuity, immediately handed a five dollar bill to the boy. Smiling to himself, he picked up the hairspray and headed back into the house. A short while later he returned and handed his grandson another five dollar bill. The boy, confused, said “but grandpa, you already paid me the five dollars.” His grandfather smiled and said, “I know.! This five dollars is from grandma.!!!”
 

A nun walked into the Mother Superior's office and flopped down into a chair with tears in her eyes. "What bothers you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "Isn't this the weekend you normally spend with your family?" Sighing and nodding the nun said, "Yes, it is. And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know, I was a rather accomplished golfer before I dedicated my life to Christ." The Mother Superior nodded. "Hmm, yes, I seem to remember that. So, I assume your day of recreation was not very relaxing?" Sobbing now, the nun answered, "Oh.... Far from it. I actually took the Lord's name in vain." Eyebrows raised, the Mother Superior replied, "Goodness Sister, you must tell me all about it. I'm sure you had a reason to blaspheme." 

"Well, Mother, we were on the 5th tee. This hole is a monster, Mother. 540 yards, par 5 with a hard dogleg left to a hidden green. I hit a perfect drive. It was heading straight to my favorite landing area, leaving me a makable approach into the green. As the ball approached the landing spot it struck a bird in mid-air and dropped into a divot behind a tree."
"Oh no," the Mother Superior replied. "I am sure that God understands and will forgive your curse." But the nun continued, "But, that's not the problem. I was strong and held my faith. A squirrel ran down from the tree grabbed my ball and ran off with it." The Mother Superior, now really interested in the story, said, "You must continue this story. Tell me what happened." "Well", the nun continued, "As the squirrel was running away with my ball, a hawk dove down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off with him," she sobbed. The Mother Superior nodded then said, "So, that's when you cursed, Sister?" "Oh no," replied the nun. "I was stunned. I just stood there watching the poor squirrel as the hawk carried him off. Then the squirrel seemed to realize he was in mortal danger and started to wiggle and twist around and he dropped the ball. It landed on the green and rolled up to about 18 inches away from the cup."

The Mother Superior grimaced then raised her voice and said accusingly, "YOU MISSED THE FREAKING PUTT, didn't you.!!!

A blonde gets on a plane bound for Chicago and leaves her seat in economy to sit in first class. When the flight attendant tells her she has to go back to economy because she didn’t pay for a first class ticket, the blonde says, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here in this seat.” The flight attendant and the blonde repeat this process a few times before the attendant gets the pilot. The same thing happens to the pilot when he tries to talk to the blonde. He goes back to the cockpit and begins to radio the tower for assistance when the co-pilot asks him to wait just a second. “I’m married to a blonde,” he tells the captain. “I speak blonde, let me handle it.” He goes up to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she said, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” before getting up and going back to her economy seat. “How did you do that?” his colleagues ask him. “Easy. I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”
 

Due to the rising cost of health care we are now forced to perform our own medical exams from home. We go outside and pee under a tree then wait exactly ten minutes. If ants gather there the diagnosis is Diabetes. If the grass dries up, it's High Blood Pressure. If it smells like barbecue it's High Cholesterol. If you forgot to pull up your pants it's Alzheimers.

Last one stings. Keep em coming! I enjoy them man.!

Last one stings. Keep em coming! I enjoy them man.!

An 80 y.o. man named Burt always wanted a nice pair of cowboy boots. So after he retired one day he was moving slowly down town and noticed some boots on sale in a local store. He went in and found a pair in his size so he bought them. Returning home, he sauntered into his kitchen where his wife, Martha, was sitting down making some vegetables for dinner. Standing there proudly he announced, "Notice anything different about me, Martha.?" She glanced over, looked him up and down quickly and responded "Nope. Pretty much like every other day." Burt, now irritated, stormed off to the bathroom where he undressed and returned back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. "What about now, he asked. Notice anything different?" Martha looked up and quietly asked in a deadpan voice, "What's different Burt.? It's hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down tomorrow." Burt, now thoroughly irritated, shouted "Well, the reason it's hanging down is so it can look at my nice new boots.!!" Without missing a beat, Martha said "Oh... you should have bought a hat instead, Burt."

A man was talking to a friend at work. His face was swollen and he seemed to be in pain. He explained to his friend... "I asked my wife if she would wear gloves if she had no hands. She said "No, of course not." So then I asked her if she would wear socks if she had no feet. "No. you idiot" she said. Nodding at her answers, I then asked, "Well, why do you wear a bra then..??"
The man paused for a second then continued, "So, I'm scheduled for dental surgery tomorrow...""

A man and his wife were sitting on the couch talking. He was feeling a little self-important and proud when he announced, "Finally, after all of these years I found the G-spot." His wife gave him a quick backhand playfully and said "No, you did not.!!" He  backhanded her back and said, "Did too. Turns out it was in your sister.!!"

Two guys were walking together in the woods, trying to impress each other with their outdoor knowledge and  woods-craft. One said to the other, “Oh look, deer tracks.” The other guy, not wanting to be outdone said, “Yes, nice clean tracks, but those are wolf tracks not deer tracks.”  The first guy, eager to show his dominance, said “I learned everything from my dad, and those are definitely deer tracks.”  Well, the argument was under way, both of them arguing and explaining why their interpretation had to be right. Then the train came along and killed them both….


This was originally NOT two guys, but I changed it… not wanting to appear ……. well, anything other than 100 % fair.