JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

A miserly man had lived a good while and had a faithful wife who was quite a bit younger than he was. He had scrimped his whole life and kept as much of his money as he could often going without many of life's necessities. His hoarding of money was legendary around the town. Every extra penny was saved, never spent. Over the years he had accumulated quite a fortune. As he approached his end of life here on earth, he decided he wanted his money to go with him into the afterlife. As his time was getting close he explained his plan to his wife. He made her promise to follow his wishes, or he was going to remove her from his will. The lawyer was notified of his plans. Everything was set up the way he wanted and his wife promised to follow through with his orders.

When the day came, the man passed from this mortal coil, and the funeral was scheduled and executed the way he wanted. As the wife sat at the graveside ceremony, she was accompanied by her best friend. When the ceremony was finished, and before the casket was sealed, the wife told the mortuary owner to wait for a minute before closing and sealing the casket. When everyone else had left the scene, she got up and carefully carried a large cardboard box and placed it into the casket. The casket was then sealed and lowered into place.

As the wife left the cemetery, her best friend spoke to her and said, "I sure hope you didn't bury all of that money with him." while looking at the wife as they walked to their car. The wife answered, saying "I did exactly as he wanted. After all I promised." The friend was appalled at what the wife had done and asked her "How in the world could you do that.??"  The wife shrugged and said it was easy.  Then smiling, she said, "I collected all of his money, deposited it all in my account, then I wrote him a check.!!"

A 50 year old man who had successfully navigated 24 years of marriage without a serious altercation was sitting in a pub with three of his friends. The talk covered several topics but eventually settled on his successful marriage. All three of his friends were determined to figure out what his secret was. How did he manage to keep a satisfactory relationship for many years. He finally admitted to using a lot of discretion when it came to talking with his wife. He went on to explain:

"When we were first married, on our honeymoon, we went riding on four-wheelers. It was a lot of fun but her machine was acting up a little while mine was running perfectly. After running roughly for a mile or so, her machine suddenly quit running. She climbed off, looked around for a second, then spoke loudly at the machine, "That's ONE..". She climbed back on, hit the starter button, the four-wheeler cranked back up and we continued riding. A few minutes later the machine once again quit running. This time, showing more agitation, she jumped off, kicked a tire and shouted "That's TWO..". Settling back onto the seat, she cranked the machine and once again we continued along our way. The machines seemed to run okay after that for several miles. Then sadly, her machine quit for a third time. Red-faced with anger, she jumped off the four-wheeler, grabbed her day-pack, and screamed at the machine, "Okay, That's THREE..!!!". Pulling a revolver from her pack she fired all six shots through the four-wheeler's tank and engine."

Suddenly, thinking about now having to pay for the damage to the machine, I hollered at her. "What in the hell are you doing.!" "These things are expensive." "We are going to have to pay for that machine.!!!"  She stood there silently fuming. Then slowly and with great calmness looked at me sitting on my machine and spoke quietly and distinctly..., "That's ONE.." she said.

We've been very civil to each other for 24 years....

Thanks for these Hobs. Makes the day more tolerable!!!

Thanks for these Hobs.  Makes the day more tolerable!!!

A middle-aged business-man dropped into a local bar on the way home for a quick drink. He knew he couldn't stay long because his family was waiting on him for dinner.  As he was finishing his drink a beautiful and alluring woman walked through the door. He was so amazed, he just stared at her, unable to think. She was gorgeous. Probably the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. As she looked around the bar she noticed him staring at her. He couldn't stop watching her. She smiled at him then slowly made her way towards him, stopping as she came to stand right next to him. He was so enthralled he couldn't speak.

The woman, noticing he hadn't said anything, leaned closer and spoke to him softly but clearly. "I noticed you the moment I walked through the door. I will do anything you want for a hundred dollars." The man, finally waking up from his altered state, slowly raised his head and looked at the woman who again smiled. Having received no response from the man, she said, "Seriously. I will do absolutely anything you want for one hundred dollars."  The man shook away the cobwebs from his brain and reached for his wallet. He counted out five twenty-dollar bills, placed them into her hand, and gently closed her fingers around them. He slowly stood up from his stool, still gently holding her hand, looked into her eyes, and said clearly in a voice that no-one else could hear, "This is my address" as he handed her a printed business card. "Tomorrow will be perfect. You can paint my house."

A man is walking down the street at 3:00 AM when he is stopped by the police. The police were curious and asked the man where he was headed at that time of morning. The man replied that he was heading to a lecture on the perils of excessive drinking, smoking, and staying out to all hours of the night. “Really?” the officer responded. “And just who is giving this lecture at this time of night?” The man shook his head, and standing tall replied, “That would be my wife….”

A businessman and a blonde sit next to each other on a plane.

The businessman is bored so he asks the blonde to play a game. "I'll ask you a question. If you can't answer it you give me 5 dollars. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer I'll give you 5 dollars". 

The blonde agrees but hikes up the businessman's penalty to 500 dollars, complaining that she's a blonde and thus less mentally capable than the businessman. The businessman agrees to pay extra.

The businessman asks her the distance between the earth and the moon. She silently reaches into her purse and gives him 5 dollars. 

She then asks him "What goes up a hill on three feet but comes down on four"? The business racks his brains but finally admits defeat. He takes out his wallet and gives the blonde five 100 dollar bills. 

The blonde stays silent for awhile but the businessman grows restless. Finally he asks her the answer to her question.

She silently reaches into her purse and gives him five dollars.


  'Not so dumb' blonde... !!!!

God promised men that good obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world….. Then he made the world round.
 

A big rough-looking guy wearing leather and riding a Harley was stopped by a state cop on the highway.  The trooper approached him, said good-morning, and asked him, "What's your name.?"

"Fred" replied the m/c guy.

"Last name..?'" asked the trooper.

"Just Fred", replied the m/c guy. "I don't have a last name".

The trooper, now confused and interested asked, "What happened to your last name.?"

" I lost it." Fred replied.

The trooper hesitated, then said "There must be more to this. Explain it to me...".

Fred, the m/c guy, heaved a big sigh and then said, "Well, it's like this...". 

" I was born Fred Johnson. I grew up with my family and stayed out of trouble. I decided to finish college and go to medical school to become a doctor. When I finished school I became 'Fred Johnson, MD". "After a few years, I was getting bored so I decided to go back to school to become a dentist, because that's what I had really wanted to do anyway. So, a couple of years later I graduated and I became 'Fred Johnson, MD  DDS."  "So, while I was practicing as a dentist, I became involved with a woman. Shortly thereafter, I discovered that she had given me an STD. So then, I was known as 'Fred Johnson, MD  DDS  w/VD.'".  

The trooper, enthralled with the story, Then said, "Huh, well... what happened then?"

"Well", said Fred, "It wasn't long before the ADA and the state licensing board found out about it and pulled my DDS license. The American Medical Association learned about it from the ADA and they pulled my MD license."  Fred shook his head and continued, "Then the VD took my Johnson, so now I'm just Fred.

A woman gets home from work and finds her husband already home. She is wearing a diamond necklace that isn't hers. He asks, "Where did you get the necklace.?" She replied, "I won it at work in a raffle."  "Please get me a bath drawn while I start supper." The man started her bath as requested.

The next day the woman arrived home wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asked again, "Where did you get the bracelet.?" She said, "I won it in a raffle at work." "Please get my bath ready, and I'll start supper." The husband once again did as she requested.

On the third day that week the woman comes home wearing a fur coat. Her husband said, "Wow, I guess you won that in a raffle at work.?"  The woman responded, "That's right, good guess." "Get my bath ready, please. "I'll start supper."

A few minutes later after her 'dinner preparation' she goes to the bathroom for her bath. She finds only about an inch of water in the tub. She hollers to her husband, "Hey, there's only a little bit of water in the tub.!!"  He answers back, "Yeah, I know. I stopped it. I knew you wouldn't want to get your raffle ticket wet...."

A woman gets home from work and finds her husband already home. She is wearing a diamond necklace that isn't hers. He asks, "Where did you get the necklace.?" She replied, "I won it at work in a raffle."  "Please get me a bath drawn while I start supper." The man started her bath as requested.

The next day the woman arrived home wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asked again, "Where did you get the bracelet.?" She said, "I won it in a raffle at work." "Please get my bath ready, and I'll start supper." The husband once again did as she requested.

On the third day that week the woman comes home wearing a fur coat. Her husband said, "Wow, I guess you won that in a raffle at work.?"  The woman responded, "That's right, good guess." "Get my bath ready, please. "I'll start supper."

A few minutes later after her 'dinner preparation' she goes to the bathroom for her bath. She finds only about an inch of water in the tub. She hollers to her husband, "Hey, there's only a little bit of water in the tub.!!"  He answers back, "Yeah, I know. I stopped it. I knew you wouldn't want to get your raffle ticket wet...."

?

---

A woman gets home from work and finds her husband already home. She is wearing a diamond necklace that isn't hers. He asks, "Where did you get the necklace.?" She replied, "I won it at work in a raffle."  "Please get me a bath drawn while I start supper." The man started her bath as requested.

The next day the woman arrived home wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asked again, "Where did you get the bracelet.?" She said, "I won it in a raffle at work." "Please get my bath ready, and I'll start supper." The husband once again did as she requested.

On the third day that week the woman comes home wearing a fur coat. Her husband said, "Wow, I guess  you won that in a raffle at work.?"  The woman responded, "That's right, good guess." "Get my bath ready, please. "I'll start supper."

A few minutes later after her 'dinner preparation' she goes to the bathroom for her bath. She finds only about an inch of water in the tub. She hollers to her husband, "Hey, there's only a little bit of water in the tub.!!"  He answers back, "Yeah, I know. I stopped it. I knew you wouldn't want to get your raffle ticket wet...."

He