JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

Keep em coming hobs!

Two women were playing golf. One of them teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly for a men’s foursome on the next hole. Before she could holler the ball jumped and hit one of the men hard. He dropped and immediately put his hands between his legs and rolled on the ground in agony. The woman quickly drove over, jumped out of the cart and begged him to forgive her. She explained that she was a Physical Therapist and that she could help him with the pain. He told her that it was okay but kept his hands between his legs as he curled up in a fetal position, grimacing and moaning. She continued to insist and he finally agreed to allow her to help.  She gently rolled him onto his back and placed his hands by his side. She loosened his belt and gently placed her hands inside his pants and started massaging him. A couple of minutes later he exploded in his pants. She smiled and shyly asked him how he felt. He replied…. “That feels wonderful. But I still think I’m going to need a doctor for my broken thumb.!!”

A young lady was getting married. Being an Italian and well versed in 'appropriate' church behavior, she was a virgin. After the ceremony she and her husband, Tony, went home to Maria's house where she lived with her mother and father. Maria asked her mother what to expect. Her mother said, "Don't worry Maria, just go upstairs. Tony is a good man and he'll take care of you." Maria went upstairs and found Tony taking off his shirt. Maria ran back down to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony has a big, strong hairy chest." Her mother said, "Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy chests. Go back upstairs and Tony will take good care of you. I'll stay down here and make the pasta." Maria went back to Tony. She found him taking off his pants and noticed his long hairy ..... legs. She ran back down to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony has long hairy legs." Her mother said, "Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Go back upstairs and Tony will take good care of you." So Maria went back upstairs to Tony. She found him taking off his shoes and socks. She noticed he had lost three toes on one foot. Maria ran back downstairs to her mother. She was crying and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony has only one foot and a half." Her mother said, "Maria, don't worry. You stay down here and stir the pasta. I'll take care of this.!!"

A man was sitting in a bar contemplating the rest of his evening. He wasn't sure about his chances but was hoping to find some female companionship. It was a pretty quiet evening, but before too long a good looking woman came in and walked over next to him. She smiled and he instantly thought that she was very attractive for her age. He ordered her a drink and they sat quietly talking for a few minutes before she asked him "How old do you think I am.?" Being careful, he said "Well, I would guess you are in your early forties." She laughed, and then whispered to him, "I'm 62 !!" After a couple more drinks, she asked him, "Have you ever had a "Sportsman's Double"??"  Not knowing what she meant, he replied, "No I haven't. I'm sure I would have remembered." She said, "It's a 3-way with a mother and her daughter." He smiled, and thought that this good-looking woman would probably have a beautiful daughter. He told her, "That sounds like a wonderful experience." She nodded, took him by the arm and led him from the bar. When they arrived at her house they entered and stood looking around at the beautiful home. Then she took his hand and started walking up the stairs. She giggled a little, asked him if he was ready, then said, .... "Wait until you meet my mom.!!"

Forrest Gump passed away and was met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter welcomed him... "Hi Forrest, it's good to see you. Unfortunately it's getting crowded up here so we've had to start doing a quick entry test before you can come in." Forrest said, "Well, okay. I hope it's not too hard. I've already done one test today." St. Peter shook his head and said, "No... it's only three questions." "Good" said Forrest, "My momma used to tell me that "Life was like a final exam...it's hard." "That's true", said St. Peter. "But here are your three questions." "First: What two days of the week start with "T"?, Second; How many seconds are there in a year?, And third; What is God's first name?" Surprisingly, Forrest didn't hesitate. He said, "Well, the two days of the week are "Today" and "Tomorrow". St. Peter hesitated then said, "That wasn't the answer I was expecting. But you have a point. I'll give you credit for that one." Forrest then said, "There are 12 seconds in a year." "One each month... January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ...." St Peter stopped him and said, "Well, that's not what I meant, but I see your point. I'll give you credit for that one too." Then Forrest lifted his head after thinking for a minute and said, "God's first name is Andy" St. Peter was completely lost. He asked Forrest how he decided the name was Andy. Forrest told him it was easy, "We sing about it in Sunday School every week. --- Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and ushered Forrest through, saying --- "Run, Forrest, Run." !!!

Hey --Did you hear that the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died.?? It was quite a happening. Before the funeral, they couldn't get him into the casket.!! Yeah, they put his right foot in and ....

Good moms let you lick the beaters....

GREAT moms -- turn them off first.

  

Heh. Nice

A young man headed to a pharmacy to buy condoms. He knew he had to use them but being a virgin had no experience with them. He asked the young woman at the counter for the condoms. When she asked "how many" he chose a pack of six. The young woman watched him for a minute while he mumbled and stammered then asked him if he knew how to put them on. He admitted he had never used them. She said "OK, watch this". She took one out of its wrapper then showed him how to roll it on by rolling it up her thumb. She noticed he was looking a little scared when she asked him if he understood. So, she hesitated for a second then told him to stand there for a minute. She went to the door, locked it, and turned the sign to "back in 15 minutes". She took the young man by the hand and led him to the back. She told him "We'll have to hurry, customers will be waiting before long." He just nodded and did what she told him. They took off their clothes and she laid back on a couch in the break room. He quickly joined her and within a minute or two the deed was finished. All of a sudden she realized something. She looked him in the eye and asked him, "Did you use the condom like I showed you?" He nodded quickly then said "Yes I did" and held up his thumb to show her.....

A man wakes up in the hospital.  He is bandaged from head to foot, only his eyes, ears and mouth remain exposed. Looking himself over, he wonders if he is dreaming or in the afterlife. A doctor walks in... "Oh, good.... I see you're awake", said the doctor. "Now you won't remember this, but you were in a terrible pileup on the freeway." "But, you're going to live, and you'll recover completely .... well, almost completely." The man looks at the doctor, and the doctor continued. "You see, in the accident your 'willy' was severed and we couldn't find it." "But, don't worry, you have a decent insurance settlement coming.... and we can rebuild it with a very nice prosthetic." The doctor continued, "You'll have to decide though, it costs a thousand dollars per inch. You need to discuss it with your wife." "She might be happy with five inches, or she might want some 'enhancement'." The man thought that it was a good idea, and agreed to discuss it with his wife. The next day the doctor came by again and seeing the man awake stopped for a brief consult. "So, did you talk it over with your wife.?", the doctor asked. "Yes." the man said. "We discussed it." The doctor hesitated for a second then asked, "Well, what was your decision.?"  The man responded, "She said we'll get a new kitchen."