JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

A man goes to the doctor for an unknown ailment. The doctor asks him what the problem seemed to be. The man laying back on the exam table said, "I don't know doc, get your stethoscope and listen to my leg." The doctor, confused, listened carefully and heard a voice saying, "How about lending a hand. Got 25 bucks for a friend.??"  The doctor surprised and amazed, said "Wow, I've never heard anything like that before.". The patient said, "That's not all doc. Listen to my knee." The doctor, now interested, listened to the man's knee and heard the voice say. "How about 15 bucks buddy? I know you like to help people." The doctor, now shocked, said "I'm really confused. I don't know what....".. The patient spoke up and said, "Wait doc, there's more. Listen to my ankle." The doctor, now thoroughly confused and amazed listened to the man's ankle, where the voice said, "Come on buddy. How about 5 bucks then. You're a doctor. Surely you can afford 5 bucks."  The doctor just shook his head and sat down on his stool.

The doctor thought for a minute and wandered off to refer to his manual of diseases and procedures. He came back and sat down again and spoke to the patient. "You know, I'm completely confused. I don't know what to say. But..... Just judging by what that voice said, I would say that your leg is broke... in three places."

THIS THREAD NEEDS TO BE UPDATED..!!

A woman walked into a bar. She noticed a man sitting there drinking a glass of champagne. She sat down beside him, smiled and said. "Hey there, Are you celebrating?"  The man said "yes I am". The woman said "What a coincidence.! So am I"  She then asked him, "So what are you celebrating.?" The man said, "I am a farmer. My hens have been laying infertile eggs. But just in the last couple of weeks they've started laying fertile eggs." The woman smiled. "What a coincidence. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year.. I just found out I am pregnant.!" "Congratulations.." the farmer said. The woman then asked, "So, what changed.? Why are the eggs now fertile.?"  The farmer said, "Well, I changed cocks. I guess the hens like this one better." --- The woman smiled and blushed... "What a coincidence.!!" she said.
 


A young man arrived at the home of his date for the evening. It was their first date so he was nervous when he met the girls mother. She greeted him and asked him to come in and get comfortable in the 'sitting room'. He was a little unsure about the high-brow way the mom talked and acted, but he entered the appropriate room and was seated. The mom came in and asked if he would like some lemonade or other drink. He declined and said he had just finished an iced tea. His date's mother then asked what they had planned for the evening. He explained that they would probably go to the movies then grab a desert at the coffee bar. Then head for a local hotspot and dance for awhile. The mom nodded then said that Mary (her daughter..) really liked to "screw". He was confused at her honesty and said "Oh really??". The mother said "Oh yes. She would screw all night if you gave her a chance."  The young man nodded then started to plan a different possible type of evening entertainment. Mary came down-stairs about then. She was wearing a nice sedate blouse with a hoop skirt. Her hair was up in a high pony tail. She looked very nice. Sort of 'dressy casual'. They left for the evening.....
A couple of hours later Mary appeared back home, disheveled and upset. She came into the house and screamed at her mother. "I can't believe you told him that..!!!" It's called the "twist" mom, the "TWIST." !!

George came home from university in tears. He asked his mother, "Mom, am I adopted??"  His mom said, "Of course not honey. Why would you ask that?" George told her that he had taken a DNA test, and he showed her the results. "Mom, there are no matches in our family, but there are strong matches with a family across town."  His mom thought for a second and hollered for her husband. "Honey, George took a DNA test and there are no matches. I don't know how to say this, but he might not be our son.!"  Her husband replied, "Well, Duh.!!" "What do you mean?", she asked shocked. He shrugged and said, "Remember our first night in the hospital? The baby wouldn't stop crying. You told me I needed to change him." He smiled proudly, "So, I did. And I think I picked a great one.!!"



A burglar breaks into a house in the middle of the night while the family is on vacation. He stumbles around with small, weak flashlight trying to find valuables without announcing himself to the neighbors.  He continues to look around when he hears someone say, "Jesus is watching you." He jumps and spins around but sees no-one. Thinking he was hearing things he continues to look around then he hears again, "Jesus is watching you." The burglar looks around and speaks up. "Who's there.? Where are you.?" Hearing no response, he looks around and notices a small parrot in a cage. The burglar laughed and said, "Aha, it's a parrot.!" He approached the parrot and said, "That's pretty cute. Your owners taught you to say that, didn't they?" The parrot spoke up and said, "Actually, I'm fluent in English." The burglar said, "That's cool, I guess." "What's your name mister parrot?" The parrot answered, "Moses". The burglar laughed and said, "What kind of people name their parrot, Moses.?" The parrot said, "The same kind of people who name their pit-bull Jesus.!!"



A man walked into a bar and sat down on a stool. A minute or so later a friend joined him and said, "you know, things are getting crazy overseas" ... he continued by saying, "If the world was going to end in two hours, what would you do..??" The first man thought for a second then said, "I'd head out and 'shag' everything that moved. -- What would YOU do.?" The second man said "I'd be sure to stand VERY still.!!"

Little Johnny's class at school was given a homework assignment. Each student was to report the next day on an exciting thing that occurred in their family. When it was Johnny's turn he walked confidently to the front and placed a small dot on the blackboard. He then quietly returned to his seat. The teacher, not understanding, said, "Johnny, what is the meaning of this.?" Little Johnny responded "It's a period."  The teacher, still confused, said, "I can see that, but what is exciting about a period?"  Little Johnny said, "I don't know, but this morning my sister said she missed one and five minutes later dad was hyperventilating, mom started crying and our mailman instantly quit his job on the spot.!!"




A man's friend walked up to him and asked him for a favor... "Would you run a marathon for charity.?" He responded, "I can't run a marathon. That's 26 miles for gosh sakes.!!"  The first guy said "Yeah, but for charity... It's for people who have lost their legs.!" His friend hesitated then looked at him and said, "You know, I could WIN that.!!"




A woman asked her husband one evening, "What's this reincarnation business.??"  The husband answered, "Well, when you die, you come back as something completely different," She thought for a second then said,  "I could come back as a pig."  The husband shook his head and said, "You weren't listening... You come back as something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.!!"

An old man was found fishing near a pond by an officer. His bucket was full of fish. --- Officer: "Do you have a fishing permit, Sir?" ... Old man: "Nope. These are my fish. I brought them from home." ... Officer: "What do you mean, you brought them from home.?" ... Old man:  "Every day I come here, let the fish swim in the pond for a bit, then call them back." ... Officer: "You call the fish back.?" ... Old man:  "Yep. I whistle for them and they jump right back into the bucket." ... Officer:  "OK then.  Show me.!"  So the old man calmly empties the bucket into the pond and watches as the fish swim away. He then calmly sits and waits.  After a while the officer says: "Well?" ... Old man:  "Well what.?"  ... Officer: "Aren't you going to call the fish back.?"  ... Old man: "What fish.?"