JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

In an obvious attempt to add a little levity to our days....  Here is the place to post the latest jokes you've heard.  AND read ones posted by others...

PLEASE ... Use good sense. NO porn jokes or anything terribly "blue". 

I'll start this off...

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** What do you call a thought in a blonde's head.??

ANS:  A) Lonesome  B) A tourist  (Either answer is correct..)



**  There are two Russians and a Mexican in a car. Who is driving.??

ANS:  The police



Okay, your turn.!!

** What do you get when you cross a Russian with a Vietnamese.??

ANS:  A car thief who can't drive.!!

Here are a couple more cute ones....


** Hey, how do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm.??

ANS:  You look for fresh prints.




** What do you call bears with no ears.??

 ANS:  B

Two blondes (men) decide to go ice fishing. They head out, find a nice spot, cut a hole in the ice, and set up their rods..
Suddenly, a loud voice booms from above, “THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!”
The two guys look around, look at each other, and look up, and they don’t see anyone.
“I suppose we’d better move then,” they decide.

They get up and find another spot on the ice, cut a hole, and set up their rods with great hopes of fresh Walleye. Once again, the voice booms from above, “THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!”
They look around, look at each other, then look up. Again, they don’t see anyone.
“We best find another spot,” they decide.

So, they gather up their equipment, choose another promising spot on the ice, cut a hole, and set up their rods..
Once again, the loud voice booms from above, “THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!
They look around, look at each other, then look up, again seeing no one. One man calls out, “God in Heaven, is that you?”
The voice responds, “NO! THIS IS THE SKATING RINK MANAGER! THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!”

Funny man.

Mr. Green peered over his fence and noticed that the neighbor’s little boy was in his backyard filling in a hole. Curious about what the youngster was up to, Mr. Green asked, “What are you doing, Jimmy?”

Tearfully, little Jimmy replied, “My goldfish died, and I’ve just buried him.”

“That’s an awfully large hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Mr. Green asked.

Patting down the last bit of earth, little Joey replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked:

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" --  The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" -- The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" -- Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" -- The little boy nodded yet again.

"GOOD, Now go over there and explain all of that to your mother".... 

A man walks off the golf course and into the country club's bar. His forehead is cut, and there's blood all over his face and shirt. The bartender says,"What in the world happened to you?" The guy says, "Just set me up a double Scotch." So the bartender gives him his drink and asks again what happened to him. "You wouldn't believe it." the man says, and the bartender answers,"Well try me."

The man says, "Well I was on the 3rd hole, and when I made a shot my ball sliced and went into the cow pasture. So I climbed the fence and started looking for my ball. Apparently, the same thing happened to the lady playing behind me, 'cause she was out looking, too. I was about to take the penalty when I looked over at some cow raising it's tail and saw a golf ball in the cows' rectum. I went over and looked but it was a Dunlop, and I was playing a Spaulding. So I raised the cows' tail and said,'Hey lady, does this one look like yours?' and she hit me with her club.

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The frugal Lutheran walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. “What happened, honey?” inquired his wife.

“It’s a great new idea I have to be a better steward of our resources,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home from the stewardship committee meeting behind the bus and saved $1.50.

“That wasn’t very bright,” replied his flustered wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save $10?”

Hilarious!

Mr. Andrews was sitting in the patient room at the clinic waiting for his annual physical when the female doctor walked in.
She paused momentarily, scanning his chart, then stood quietly for a few seconds before she spoke.

"Mr. Andrews, you simply have to stop masturbating."

He responded, "Uhh, okay, but why.??

"Because, Mr Andrews, I'm trying to do an examination here."