JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

One morning a woman comes downstairs and finds her husband. " I can't take it any more" she said. "I'm getting sexually harassed at work. And it's going too far.!!"

Her husband looked at her objectively and then said, "Well, honey, if you don't like it, maybe it's time you headed into the office and stopped working from home.!!"

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A recently retired man was in his front yard watering some flowers. A dog walked up to him and stood there. He noticed the dog was wearing a nice collar, was clean, well nourished, and obviously belonged to a home where she was well taken care of. He finished watering then headed to his front door as the dog followed him. He took off his shoes and went into the house with the dog following. The dog glanced around then headed down the hall where she curled up in a corner and went to sleep.  Later that day the dog got up and went to the door. The man let her out and the dog headed down the street.

This happened again the next day and the man, now greatly amused, smiled and welcomed her back into the house, and the entire process repeated. Now, after four days, the man was wondering what was going on as the dog "visited" every day. So on the fifth day the man wrote a nice note. "He wrote, "This beautiful dog has been visiting me every day. She comes here, lays down in my hallway and sleeps for a few hours, I let her out when she wants to leave. This has been happening now for five days. I am not complaining, but was wondering how this dog was part of a loving home and yet came to visit every day. I would just ... like to know.!!  The man then folded the note neatly and carefully fastened it to the dog's collar.

The next day the dog reappeared as usual, only this time she had a nice different note attached to her collar. The man removed the note and the dog moved to her 'spot' where she curled up and went to sleep. The note explained: "Bella is a wonderful dog. She lives in a home with six children under ten years of age. She leaves for a few hours to get a little rest. She's just worn out.!!" Thank you for being kind to her." "I was wondering ... Can I come with her next time.??"

Little Johnny (when he was 5 years old..) was in the Living Room playing with his electric train. His mother was in the kitchen cleaning up when she heard him talking as if he was the station master or conductor:

Little Johnny said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last damn stop". "And all of you bastards who are getting on, get-your-ass-on-the-train...NOW.! Cause we are going down the tracks.!!"

His mother, horrified, stopped his train and told him to go to his room. "We don't talk like that around here. You stay in your room for two hours and think about it. Then you can come back and play with your train but I want you to use nice language." About two hours later, little Johnny came back downstairs and resumed playing with his train:

Soon, the train resumed it's run around the tracks and little Johnny resumed the 'station call', "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your luggage and belongings with you. We hope you enjoyed your trip and we thank you for traveling with us today." His mother was pleased with the change and continued to listen. "For those passengers who are now boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you have a pleasant experience traveling with us today." Little Johnny's mother, now smiling about her successful intervention, paused as Johnny continued, "And for all of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay --- Please see the bitch in the kitchen.!!".

An 80 year old man went into church one Sunday. He wandered around for a minute then went into the confessional. When the priest entered the old man began his story. "Father, I'm 80 years old.... Yesterday, I met two beautiful airline attendants. They went home with me and a short time later we went into the bedroom. I made love to both of them, Father, twice.!"  The priest thought for a minute and then asked, "How long has it been since your last confession.?" The man responded, " I've never been to confession, Father. I'm Jewish.!" The priest, shocked, said, "Well, why are you telling me about this.?"  The man said, "Hell, Father, I'm telling everybody.!!"

A mother appeared at the doctor's office with her 15 year old daughter. When the doctor entered the exam room he asked the mother, "Okay, why don't you tell me what's wrong... What I can do to help.?" The mother replied, "Well, it's my daughter Mandy. Lately she has been having some cravings and gaining a little weight, and she has been feeling a little bloated and a little sick at times." The doctor read through Mandy's record and finding that she's been incredibly healthy for the most part, decided to give her a complete physical examination.  About an hour later after completing the exam, the doctor comes back to the room and meets up with them both. "Well, it's not terribly unusual and she will be fine, but we have found the issue." The mother, seemingly pleased, said, "That's great. Tell us what is going on.". Well, the doctor said, "Your daughter, Mandy is pregnant. About 3 months along, I would say."

The mother, stunned, hesitated before saying, "That's silly. It's not possible. She has never been left alone with a man in her entire teen life. Isn't that right, Mandy.?" Mandy said, "Yes mom, that's right. I've never even kissed a man." The doctor shook his head then walked over to the window.   He stood there and looked out the window as the mother and daughter waited. Finally, the mother spoke up and asked, "What's happening doctor? What is out there? Is something bad happening.?" The doctor turned around for a minute before turning back to continue his vigil outside. He said, "Oh, nothing's wrong. It's just the last time something like this happened was a long time ago when a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill." I'll be darned if I'm going to miss something like that.!!!"

A "full-figured" woman went to see her doctor because she needed to lose some weight. After discussing her issues with the doctor, he gave her a simple plan. "Listen", he said. "I want you to eat your normal foods, but not as large servings. Just 'normal' portions. Do that for two days, then skip one day." "Continue that same schedule... normal foods for two days, then skip one day. Do that for two weeks then come back for a follow-up. I guarantee that you will lose at least five pounds. Then we will make a plan for your continued success.!!".  The woman agreed to try it for a couple of weeks.....

Two weeks later she returned as requested. When the doctor weighed her he was astonished at her having lost twenty pounds.!! "How did you do this?" he asked. "How do you feel?"  The woman said, "It was okay for the first couple of days, but that third day just about killed me.!" The doctor smiled, still pleased, said... "The hunger was pretty bad, huh.??  The woman shook her head, "Well, not too bad, it wasn't that." The doctor said, "What do you mean.?" The woman said, "The slightly smaller portions weren't too bad. But all of those "third" days... That's a lot of skipping.!!".

A 17 year old young man in England met a cute girl who was 16. They 'liked' each other so their friendship progressed along quickly. On this particular day, the girl invited him to her house for dinner. She asked him if had any condoms. He said no. She said well, head on down to a pharmacy before you come over and pick up some. Then when my parents go to bed, we'll have a go.! The boy thought that was a great idea so later that day he found a pharmacy close to his house and went in. He asked the pharmacist for condoms. The pharmacist asked him if he knew anything about condoms, like strength, size, texture, and even color. The young man admitted he knew nothing about condoms. The pharmacist told him to wait at the end of the counter and he would come down and explain things for him. After a good long conversation the pharmacist asked him if he wanted a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or the special deal on the family size pack. The young man immediately spoke up and said he'd better take the 'family size' because he planned on doing a lot of shagging.

So, later that evening when he went to his girl's house for dinner, he was invited in and when they sat down to eat he was asked to say the blessing. He came out with a nice blessing, and then continued to pray. As the minutes went by everyone was getting a little antsy. He finally wound up the prayer and dinner went along sort of smoothly. When the meal was finished and the table cleared, the girl grabbed his hand and hauled him into the living room. She spoke to him and said she hadn't realized that he was so devout and spiritual. He was sort of panicking when he turned to her and said "I didn't realize that your father was a pharmacist.!!
 

A middle-aged man and wife were having a monetary discussion. The wife asked her husband, "Honey, serious question now. We're going on vacation to the Holy Land next month. If something should happen over there and I died, ... like an accident or something, you know" "It says here in the brochure that it costs only $500 to be buried there around jerusalem. And it supposedly costs $20,000 -- $30,000 to have someone 'prepared' and shipped home. What should we do.?  What would you do if it were me.??"  Her husband re-stated the question, "What would I do if you died overseas on our trip.?? Burial over there for about $500 dollars, or shipment home for at least $20,000.??" He hesitated while his wife looked at him... "Well, I would have you shipped home."  His wife, somewhat surprised, said, "Really.?" "You would spend all of that money to ship me home.??"  "Why would you do that.??"  He smiled gently at her and said, "Well, over 2000 years ago a man died over there and was buried. Three days later he was reborn and dug his way out of a crypt covered by a huge stone."  "I know it sounds crazy, but I just couldn't take that chance." ..!!!!

`A 12 year old boy was talking to his dad after visiting his Aunt. "Hey Dad, I think Aunt Susie is mad at me." " His dad asked, "Why's that son.?" The boy said, "Well, I was at her house and she was trying on clothes." She was worried about how she looked in the clothes so she asked me. Hey Kevin, Does this outfit make me look fat.?" "I know I'm supposed to always tell the truth, so I hesitated for a second or two before answering." His dad thought "Uh-Oh" then said, "What did you tell her, Kevin.?" The boy grimaced a little then said, "I told Aunt Susie, It's NOT that the clothes make you look fat. They just make you a lot easier to see.!!"

Oops..!!

One day Little Johnny (now mostly grown up) was off at college. He saw a cute girl walking towards him. Little Johnny, being his same old self, stopped her and asked, "What would you think if I grabbed your boobs, squeezed and fondled them, then ran off.??"  The girl, relying on her wit, responded, "Well, I'd think... There goes a stupid boy who could be driving a fine car, but instead he ran off after honking the horn.!"

An older man was sitting on a park bench sobbing and sniffling. A young man in his twenties saw him there and sat down for a minute. He spoke to the old man and asked what was wrong.  The old guy hung his head and started to explain. "You'll never understand" he said. "Just tell me" the young guy said. "Well", the man said, "My wife is at home waiting for me. She is very young and beautiful. Every day we make love before she goes off to work. Then she comes home at lunch time and we make love again before she makes a nice meal for us. Sometimes in the afternoon, she manages to come home to say 'Hi" and we end up in bed again. Then she gets home in the evening and we have supper before going to bed where we make love off and on all night." The old guy breaks down and starts crying harder. The young guy says: " I don't understand. It sounds wonderful. I think you must have the perfect marriage.!! So, what's wrong? Why are you so upset.?" The old guy shakes his head and through gasping sobs and tears says, --- "I can't remember where I live.!!"