JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

LOVE this.!!  YOU, LP are the king (Queen..) of understatement.!!  You are also the boss of the GIF.

Thanks Hobs. I want to add a little spice to this site.

And......don't tell anyone but I really like your jokes (mostly...lol)

LOLOL...

Thanks.. No one is safe.!!  Men, women; young, old; blonde, brunette --- it doesn't matter. I avoid serious politics, and anything that is terribly "blue' or off-color. If it's funny.... well, it's just funny.!!

A young woman was on vacation in Louisiana. She was enjoying the weather and the culture, but she really had only one desire to fulfill while she was there. She REALLY wanted a pair of alligator shoes. As she wandered around checking into the local merchants, she found pair after pair that she liked, but was appalled at the prices. And worse... No one would negotiate with her. Finally, she told the last guy, "Well, I'm just going to have to go catch my own alligator". The man chuckled, and told her "good luck". "Maybe you'll find a big one.!"

Later that day after the shops closed, that same vendor was driving home along a back road when he spotted a woman standing knee-deep in the swamp water along side the road. He thought he recognized her, so he stopped to watch for a few minutes. The woman carried a big shotgun and seemed to know how to use it. As he watched, a large wake appeared in the water and a big alligator raised his snout enough to be easily seen. As the gator approached, the woman shouldered the shotgun and pointed it close in front of her. When the gator appeared a few feet away, the woman fired and hit him with a load of buckshot. The gator splashed for a minute then lay still. The shopkeeper watching, nodded his head then climbed out of his truck to get a closer look. The woman grabbed the gator by his tail and dragged him onto the bank. The shopkeeper noticed a line of four dead gators along the bank of the slough. The woman laid her gun down on the grass then reached down and flipped the gator over onto his back next to the other four. The woman stood there for a second, the stamped her feet and screamed in fury. "DAMN... This one is not wearing any shoes either.!!!

An old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long and productive life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103 when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great, great grandchildren, and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be....

An old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long and productive life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter this religiously until the age of 103 when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great, great grandchildren, and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be....

A cowboy walked into a bar and chose a seat next to a very attractive woman. The cowboy glanced at her, nodded, and then looked at his watch for about a minute or so. The woman, intrigued, asked him "Is your date late or not coming.??" He looked at her and said, "Oh no. I just bought this new state-of-the-art watch and I'm testing it." The woman said, "A state-of-the-art watch? What makes it so special.??" The cowboy explained, "It uses alpha waves to communicate with me telepathically." The woman, stunned, hesitated then asked, "what is it telling you right now?" The cowboy, just a little embarrassed, smiled and told the woman, "Well, it's telling me that you are not wearing any panties." The woman, giggled, then told the cowboy, "I think you need to get it repaired because I am definitely wearing panties." The cowboy looked at the woman and smiled, then looked back at the watch and tapped it with his finger a couple of times. "Oh." he said, "Damn thing is an hour fast..."

A State Trooper was sitting beside the road behind a sign waiting for his shift to end. A Mercedes SLC came past above the limit but not TOO fast. The trooper thought he would hand out a warning then ease on back to the barracks for shift change. He pulled out behind the Mercedes and hit his lights. He waited a few seconds and the driver finally noticed him. The trooper noticed the guy hesitate for a second then hammered on the accelerator and took off. The trooper hit his siren and chased after the guy. In a minute or so the driver realized that he was being foolish so he pulled over. The trooper followed him to the turnout then got out of his patrol car and walked up to the driver's window. The trooper shook his head then asked for Driver License and registration. The man handed them over and sat there looking dejected. The trooper, now faced with at least a half hour of detail work and paperwork back at the barracks, told the driver, "Look. It's been a long day and I'm tired. Tell me why you ran. If you can give me a story I haven't heard, I'll let you go."

Well", the driver said, "I was driving along pretty calmly when I remembered that my wife was missing." She ran off about three weeks ago with a State Trooper." "When I saw your blue lights I got scared, thinking you were bringing her back."  The trooper handed him his documents, turned around and said "Have a nice day."

A American civilian family lived nearby a British air base. The man and his wife had three daughters who understandably received a bunch of 'callers' from the young men at the air base. On this particular day the man was home from work when the parade started. He had just sat himself down to read the local paper when there came a knock at the door. He answered, and there stood a guy freshly spruced up...

"Allo, to ya. My name is Lance"
"I've come to see your daughter Nance"
"Thought I might take her to the dance"
"Is there a chance?"

"Well, I don't know. I'll ask her..."

"Nance.!!" There's a guy here, name of Lance."
"Wants to take you to the dance"
"Is there a chance?"

She hollers down and says, "Yeah, I'll be right down."

A couple of minutes later, comes another knock...

"Hello. My name is Joe"
"I've come to see your daughter Flo"
"Would like to take her to the show"
"Think she'll go?"

"I don't know, I'll ask her"

"Flo.!!" There's a man here called Joe"
"Wants to take you to the show"
"Will ya go?"

Flo responds, "Sure. I'jj be right down."

The father no sooner sits back down, than another knock sounds...
So, back up and answers the door...

"Good evening, Sir. My name is Tucker.........

A young boy at a Catholic school had a note sent home to his parents. His mom and dad asked him what happened and this was his story.

"I don't think I did anything wrong!! I was standing in line to get my lunch at the cafeteria. The line was a little slow, but when I got closer, I noticed a big bowl of juicy looking apples. Right next to the apples there was a sign that said "Help yourself. Please take only one apple. God is watching." As I moved down the line I noticed a big bowl of cookies. The cookies didn't have a sign, so I thought I would make one up for them. So I got out my red marker and a piece of paper and printed up a sign that said, "Cookies!  Take as many as you want.  God is watching the apples.!"