JOKES, JOKES, AND MORE JOKES - HAVE SOME FUN.!!

A Catholic man went into the confessional where he spoke quietly to the Priest. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned." The Priest waited and the man continued, "I almost had sex with a woman who was not my wife." The Priest, wondering about the man's words, said quietly, "What do you mean by "almost"??" The man responded, "Well, we undressed and then rubbed together but I stopped right there." The Priest, thinking to teach an important lesson, responded, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You will not see that woman again. Say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the 'Poor Box' on your way out." The man sighed and then prayed. He headed out to the exit, stopping at the 'Poor Box' on the way. He stood there for a moment then headed out the door. The Priest, watching quietly, noticed that the man had not put the money in the box. He spoke up loudly saying, "Hey wait. I saw that. You didn't put any money in the 'Poor Box'." The man turned and spoke to the Priest, "Yes, I know Father. But I rubbed the $50 on the box, and you said that's the same as putting it in."

A woman decides to take a lover while her husband is at work. On Tuesday, she brings a man home and they go into the bedroom. Her nine year old son, wondering what was going on, decided to hide in the closet. A little while later her husband comes into the house and hollers, "I'm home early." The lover immediately jumps into the closet where he finds himself hiding next to the son. "Dark in here." the boy says. "Yes it is" the man replied. The son says "I have a baseball." "That's nice," the man answered. "You wanna buy it?" the boy asks. "No, I don't think so." the lover replied. The boy hesitated for a second then said, "That's my father down stairs." The man, sensing a potential problem, said "How much do you want for it"? The boy answered "$250". The man said "Okay".

A couple of days later the woman decides to try again. She brings the man home and once again her husband comes home early. The man jumps up and enters the closet only to find the boy there waiting. "Dark in here", the boy says. "Yes. Yes it is", the man answered. "I have a baseball glove", the boy says. "Uh huh" the man mumbles. "Wanna buy it"? the boy asks. "NOPE" the man says. The boy waits a moment then says, "I just remembered, I need to talk to my dad." "Wait" the man says. "How much do you want for it"? The boy thinks then says "$750". The man sighs then says "Fine".

On Saturday, the father told his son, "Grab your ball and glove and we'll go out back and throw the ball around."  The boy replied, "I'm sorry dad, I can't." "Why not"? the father asks. "I sold them" the boy responds. The father hesitates then asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy answered, "A thousand dollars." The father, shocked, says "WHAT"? "That's way more than they cost. You shouldn't take advantage of your friends like that." The boy nodded, then the father continued. "You're going to church on Sunday".

On Sunday, at church, the father spoke briefly to the priest then showed his son into the confessional. The boy sat quietly for a couple of minutes then the priest entered the other side. The boy, hearing the priest, spoke up and said, "Dark in here". The priest immediately spoke up forcefully. "Don't start that shit again.!!!"

A 12 year old boy asked his dad “How many kinds of boobs are there.??” His dad said “Well son, it depends on their age. In their 20s, they are like melons, round and firm. In their 30s and 40s they are like pears, a bit droopy, but still nice. In their 50s they are like onions.”  “Onions.??” the boy asked. “Yes” his father replied. “You see them and they make you cry.”

The boy’s mom and sister were pretty upset. The daughter asked her mom “How many kinds of‘ ‘Willie’s’ are there.?” Her mom answered “. Well, it’s just the same thing. In their 20s they are like an oak tree, strong and hard. In their 30s and 40s they are like a willow, flexible but still useful. In their 50s they are like a Christmas tree.” What??”, the daughter asked, totally confused. “Yeah”, her mom answered. “They are dead from the root up, and the balls are useless.”

A 12 year old boy asked his dad “How many kinds of boobs are there.??” His dad said “Well son, it depends on their age. In their 20s, they are like melons, round and firm. In their 30s and 40s they are like pears, a bit droopy, but still nice. In their 50s they are like onions.”  “Onions.??” the boy asked. “Yes” his father replied. “You see them and they make you cry.”

The boy’s mom and sister were pretty upset. The daughter asked her mom “How many kinds of‘ ‘Willie’s’ are there.?” Her mom answered “. Well, it’s just the same thing. In their 20s they are like an oak tree, strong and hard. In their 30s and 40s they are like a willow, flexible but still useful. In their 50s they are like a Christmas tree.” What??”, the daughter asked, totally confused. “Yeah”, her mom answered. “They are dead from the root up, and the balls are useless.”

An old man and his wife were sitting in a tavern talking quietly about their past. He quietly asks his wife if she remembers the first time they had sex. "Yes, she says. It was right here in back of this tavern. You held me up against that old fence back there and we did it there that first time." He nods and smiles. "You're right. I think we ought to head back there and do it again for old-time sakes. What do you think.?" She shook her head and said "I think you're being overly optimistic. But, it sounds like fun.!" The old man smiled and said as soon as they had finished their lunch they would sneak back there.

Now, unknown to them, a police officer in plain clothes was sitting quietly in the next booth. He decided to follow them and make sure they were safe. When the old couple got up and left the officer followed them quietly. Arriving at the back fence behind a trash dumpster, the old woman lifted up her dress and the old man dropped his pants. Whereupon they came together and all sorts of writhing, whining, and crying took place for quite a time. Soon, the couple gave out, collapsed to the ground and lay there catching their breath. The police officer, having watched the whole amazing thing, decided he had to speak to them. Maybe they would tell him their secret. It had to be worth knowing he decided.

in a few minutes, the couple struggled to their feet, rearranged their clothes and started to walk carefully back toward the street As they drew close to the officer, he stepped out and said, "That was amazing. You folks must have had an amazing sex life. I have to ask, What is your secret.?"
The old man, just now recovered enough to speak, said in a strange, garbled voice, "No secret. The last time we were here that wasn't an electric fence.!!"

Little Johnny was in a hurry for breakfast, he was extra hungry. So he asked his mom "What's for breakfast.. I'm hungry". His mom asked him if he had done his morning farm chores. Johnny admitted he hadn't done them yet, so his mom sent him out to do chores before breakfast. Johnny was upset so as he was gathering eggs he kicked one of the chickens. They when he was feeding the pigs he kicked one of them too. He finished up by feeding the milk cow and kicked her as he was leaving. When Johnny got back to the house his mom served him a bowl of corn flakes. Johnny complained because he saw the eggs cooking and smelled the bacon in the kitchen. "Why don't I get any eggs and bacon?" he asked. "And why is there no milk on my cereal?"  Well. his mom said,  "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week." "And then you kicked the pig, so no bacon for a week either." "And then on your way back, I saw you kick the poor old milk cow, so I guess you will have to eat your cereal dry." 

About this time Johnny's dad came down stairs and kicked the cat across the room. Little Johnny stood up from the table, looked his mom right in the eye and said to her....... "Well, are you going to tell him, or should I ??"
 

An old man and his wife were sitting in a tavern talking quietly about their past. He quietly asks his wife if she remembers the first time they had sex. "Yes, she says. It was right here in back of this tavern. You held me up against that old fence back there and we did it there that first time." He nods and smiles. "You're right. I think we ought to head back there and do it again for old-time sakes. What do you think.?" She shook her head and said "I think you're being overly optimistic. But, it sounds like fun.!" The old man smiled and said as soon as they had finished their lunch they would sneak back there.

Now, unknown to them, a police officer in plain clothes was sitting quietly in the next booth. He decided to follow them and make sure they were safe. When the old couple got up and left the officer followed them quietly. Arriving at the back fence behind a trash dumpster, the old woman lifted up her dress and the old man dropped his pants. Whereupon they came together and all sorts of writhing, whining, and crying took place for quite a time. Soon, the couple gave out, collapsed to the ground and lay there catching their breath. The police officer, having watched the whole amazing thing, decided he had to speak to them. Maybe they would tell him their secret. It had to be worth knowing he decided.

in a few minutes, the couple struggled to their feet, rearranged their clothes and started to walk carefully back toward the street As they drew close to the officer, he stepped out and said, "That was amazing. You folks must have had an amazing sex life. I have to ask, What is your secret.?"
The old man, just now recovered enough to speak, said in a strange, garbled voice, "No secret. The last time we were here that wasn't an electric fence.!!"

Little Johnny was in a hurry for breakfast, he was extra hungry. So he asked his mom "What's for breakfast.. I'm hungry". His mom asked him if he had done his morning farm chores. Johnny admitted he hadn't done them yet, so his mom sent him out to do chores before breakfast. Johnny was upset so as he was gathering eggs he kicked one of the chickens. They when he was feeding the pigs he kicked one of them too. He finished up by feeding the milk cow and kicked her as he was leaving. When Johnny got back to the house his mom served him a bowl of corn flakes. Johnny complained because he saw the eggs cooking and smelled the bacon in the kitchen. "Why don't I get any eggs and bacon?" he asked. "And why is there no milk on my cereal?"  Well. his mom said,  "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week." "And then you kicked the pig, so no bacon for a week either." "And then on your way back, I saw you kick the poor old milk cow, so I guess you will have to eat your cereal dry." 

About this time Johnny's dad came down stairs and kicked the cat across the room. Little Johnny stood up from the table, looked his mom right in the eye and said to her....... "Well, are you going to tell him, or should I ??"
 

A man, feeling a little down was looking at himself in the mirror. Sighing, he turned to his wife and told her, “This is really depressing. When I look in the mirror all I see is an old man with wrinkles and gray hair. I really need you to give me a compliment.” 
His wife said, “  Well, OK. — Your eyesight is damn near perfect.!!

A man, feeling a little down was looking at himself in the mirror. Sighing, he turned to his wife and told her, “This is really depressing. When I look in the mirror all I see is an old man with wrinkles and gray hair. I really need you to give me a compliment.” 
His wife said, “  Well, OK. — Your eyesight is damn near perfect.!!

One evening a man and his wife were lying in bed watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire".  As the program wound down and the room grew mostly quiet the man turned to his wife and asked:
"Would you like to have sex.?"
"No" she responded.
"Is that your final answer?" he asked.
"Yes, Final answer." she said.
"Alright then" he said, "I'd like to call a friend."
 

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